Friday, 28 July 2017
Unfortunately, Progress With Unity has returned for another season. Unfortunately, you're about to suffer another ten months of bad predictions and poorly written jokes. And unfortunately, you're stuck with the same dodgy flavour text writer. (I promise to be more relevant this year.)
This 'Lazarus' edition covers eight weeks of sporadic footballing action, managerial shuffles and people claiming they'd never heard of any of our new signings.
To those guys, I say this: you hadn't heard of Ben Watson 20 years ago. Mark my words - you'll certainly know all about 18-year old left midfielder Randman Horsenburger-Smythe III by this time next year...
0:00 Intros to the 2017/18 season
2:00 Cook in, Barra' out
4:30 Latics v Liverpool review: 'surprisingly good'
7:00 Cheer up, Peter Reid's a coaching consultant
10:00 New keepers: 'as long as they have hands...'
13:00 'Every player is for sale' - Power, Morsy, Grigg to be cast aside?
27:00 League 1 top scorer odds & Odelusi gone!
32:00 Quiz of the Week: How much do you know about the new dudes?
34:00 League 1 Oddschecker & 90 Second News
38:00 Warning: non-football chat! And bridge graffiti review
Thursday, 11 May 2017
Welcome to the end of the season, flavour text readers! As yet another highly eventful campaign draws to a close, one is left to reflect on the good times and ba-
(Guitars screech to a discordant halt)
Actually, I'd like to stop playing this rubbish and dedicate a song to Wigan Athletic's next manager, Phoenix from the popular mute a capella duo Phoenix and Blue.
# I'm not Blue, da-ba-dee da-ba-die... #
0:00 Intros LIVE! from the PWU
2:00 Leeds review AKA the Misadventures of Rob Green
7:00 Warren warrants one more mention
12:00 Leeds season ticket refund news & one more mention for Wazza
15:00 Next Latics manager? & Recruitment policy
22:00 Rumour corner: may the summer of bullshi- er, speculation begin!
30:00 Off The Terrace returns for the EFL Alliance Cup Final
36:00 Latics starting lineup, August 2017: Wildschut, Vuckic and McAleny back?
40:00 Welcome back to the Microsoft Paint Trophy & season ticket info coming soon
Fartwatch - the new best one of the season! 44:00
Thursday, 4 May 2017
Reading and Leeds Festival? Hah, more like Fields of Pain.
But fret not, dear flavour text reader, for your suffering shall be over in just a few days' time. The season will be complete and you can toddle off to Jimmybob's Quality Circus on Saturday afternoon once more.
"Wait, you mean we weren't witnessing that at the DW Stadium this year?"
Quiet there, Groucho.
0:00 Ravin' and droolin' intros
0:30 Rotherha- er, Reading review with 'loose' Statman & inflatable snakes
5:00 PWU Blame Apportion Weekly
13:00 'How to Market Relegation' & unrealistic expectations
18:00 Managerial Oddschecker: Who's next?
24:00 Fartwatch & Tim Sherwood
28:00 Announcement: Legends game - new Latics announced!
29:00 Leeds preview & pointless predictions
34:00 Paul's 'two flask season'
37:00 Shoutouts: Mudhutters' donation & new AGL fanzine out on Sunday
Fartwatch - best one of the season! 39:00
Friday, 28 April 2017
Don't believe all you read on unsanitary small time Internet weblogs - Blackburn and Bristol certainly aren't about to be deducted 10 points each for irregularities involving the illegal acquisition of mint flavour Penguin biscuits. Such stories are sent from alternate universes where Gaz Caldwell and Boycey didn't lift the FA Cup in 2013.
...Yeah, in that reality, Angelo Henriquez jumped in front to snatch it from their grasp before running 200 miles back to Old Trafford... on foot. Some say the trophy is still hidden under a Manchester bridge where Angie 'put it for safe keeping' and forgot to collect it the next morning.
But that's also a reality in which Latics are still sitting mid-table in the Premier League. So which universe is it gonna be? Choose now!
This week's surprise special guest: Paul Kendrick from the Wigan Post!
0:00 Chucklevision intros with bonus bin complaints
3:00 Cardiff review with bonus Statman super rant!
8:00 Intermission: A Critical Review with bonus striker gripes
14:00 More Cardiff chatter with bonus King Joyce praise
17:00 Paul Kendrick QnA: Players afraid of being flogged off? Barra' moving 'upstairs'?
22:00 ...Which club serves the best press room food? With bonus pie ramble (of course)
24:00 ...WISH FM news: Ed Jones saves the day! With bonus Grant Holt jibes
27:00 ...Paul's greatest ever Tweet & who would you like Latics to sign?
33:00 Youth players released & equal rights contracts
36:00 Not-at-all-token Reading preview with bonus FA Cup 2013 references
42:00 Joseph's Goal Legends game: Jesus is a Wiganer again!
45:00 More Paul Kendrick QnA: Best and worst person you've interviewed?
48:00 ...Asking the difficult questions & defending against keyboard warriors
53:00 Shameless plug: All Gone Latics zine on sale vs Leeds & at the Legends game
Thursday, 20 April 2017
It's that time of the year, dear flavour text reader. From this point onwards, Wigan Athletic could descend into that pit of rabid social media keyboard warriors at a moment's notice. A mere victim of circumstance, the unfortunate Jakob Haugaard has already been tossed in there with his peanut butter gloves and shredded
This is almost like commentating on the fireball that's about to strike earth. "And here it comes, the final blow to all humanity, just as the Mayans predicted all those years ago. To everyone listening, I'd like to say... screw you, you ungrateful swines! You never leave any comments on my Facebook posts or..."
0:00 'End of Days' intros
1:30 Barnsley review: Nick Powell, the hero Wigan needs but does not deserve
6:00 Hau My Gaard, it's the Battle of the Crap Keepers
11:00 Barnsley in detention & an honorary mention (for the ref)
14:00 Goalie solution: 'put Deep Heat in Haugaard's pants'
16:00 Win-win-win to survive?
20:00 Cardiff preview: Statman gives up!
23:00 Protracted predictions & Si's Blue, Blue(bird) Oddschecker
35:00 Progress With Unity Player of the Season voting now open
36:00 Half Time Game: 2nd winner of the season & new game = It's A Knockout?
Thursday, 13 April 2017
Aww, isn't it May yet? This season ought to have ended a whole month ago - not sure I can bear another four weeks of increasingly dubious defensive screw-ups. King Joyce's brickhouse backlines (pictured) might have been excessive, but at least they worked... sort of.
Mind you, with goals like these, who needs defenders? Now, if only these Powell, Gilbey and Obertan chaps played for Wigan...
0:00 Intros from the top rope
0:30 Latics v Rovrum v Warrington: Fake Stats
5:00 WCW Horseplay LIVE from Robin Park: Powell v Price
10:00 Haugaardgate: a contractual selection
14:00 40+ players this season: are they all to blame?
18:50 Sharpy interview with Wigan Today: what's it got to do with him?
23:00 Barrunsley preview: "still 22nd to play for"
28:00 Four wins needed? 49 points to stay up?
30:00 Si's optimistic Oddschecker
33:00 Brighton preview: fake stats / steak fats
41:00 Up the cup winning Tics: Dev Squad glory
Thursday, 6 April 2017
Which is worse: strikerless matches or matchless strikers? Speaking of which, has anyone seen Mikey Mandron of late? My guess is that he's on holiday in Greenland, Grimsby or quite possibly Gibraltar.
Didn't matter on Tuesday night anyway, as it was the defenders that mucked up first and foremost. Should've put Danny Burn up front where he belongs, says your small time flavour text writer. Also, get Kings Coyle and Joyce back...
(I'll cut off his text here, dear reader - flavour text man is evidently under the influence of social media. -- Ed.)
0:00 Greasy intros
2:00 Statless Newcastle review with Simon's Tripadvisor report
6:00 Apologetic Warnock (=new Twitter account idea?)
12:00 Shoutouts to King 'Coach' Joyce
14:00 Seamless Ipswich review with a sigh and a Si: 'it's over'
18:00 Next striker: Mandron? Lang? AN Other?
23:00 King St getting ready for a party... in 12 months' time
25:00 Next manager: Jewell? Caldwell? Barry Worthington?
28:00 Weepy Rotherham preview
32:00 Si's Oddschecker: Straw Clutching Special & Mick backs against Wigan shock!
36:00 Sayonara Matt Jackson & Nick Powell's long comeback
Thursday, 30 March 2017
My fellow Ticspeople! While you're sucking ice cream from a dripping cone on a deck chair in sunniest Benalmadina, spare a thought for those poor Wigan Athletic footballers suffering extra training sessions in the pouring Rainford* rain.
There ain't no warm weather training while Uncle Barra's bookin' the flights! Mostly because he can't get through to Ceefax Holidays** - all he can access at their number is a premium rate answer machine for 8008335-chat. Don't tell Sharpy, but his entire holiday budget has been spent on said hotline.
*Yeah, I know they actually train in Chorley but it's harder to make witty precipitation-based quips about Euxton.
** Ceefax Holidays never actually existed. Just thought I'd point that out.
0:00 Suspiciously edited intros (extra STEAMy)
2:30 Reluctant relegation run-in prediction pool
10:00 Preparing those point deduction campaigns
12:00 Newcastle preview with cringe-worthy form guide
16:00 Si's Oddschecker - numbers still upsetting
20:00 The Great Escape is on! But only if Wigan beat Newcastle...
22:00 Ipswich preview with
27:00 Smashing League One with Super Matty Gilks (and Dan Burn)
Thursday, 23 March 2017
Where is your king now, Wigan Athletic? Where is the man to save you from dull football and bamboozling tactics? Where is the one to reverse time with the power of shorts worn on the outside?
Where is the man whose goals burned a streak through League One? Where is the man whose golden sneakers are sitting proudly upon his mantelpiece? Where is the man who will lead the world to the tune of 90s cheese dance?
And where are the words of encouragement from a small time flavour text writer? Well, they're lost in an overgrown hedge maze of unerring criticism and impending doom.
But Mum, I don't wanna go to League One!
0:00 Hasty non-intros
1:00 Positive Villa review sponsored by Bogle Chrome
8:30 Kellett's curtailed comeback
14:00 New (old?) managerial team & International Breakdown: Morsy Gone Fishin'
17:00 U18s 'doing quite well' & Si's Relegation Oddschecker (don't listen to this!)
22:30 March 2017 FAB report w/Baz: Beer carts, not enough pies for Wigan?!
29:00 ...Pitch drain blockages, Diversity Award, Barrow's managerial status...
38:00 ...Who would YOU have as Wigan manager? & Caldwell v Joyce (again)...
45:00 ...Financial backup plans, the Alex Bruce Strategy, outside investment...
50:00 ...Yanic and overseas streaming.
Thursday, 16 March 2017
Another podcast, another manager. Another shorts-wearing pirate cast into Davey Whelan's Locker, another panicking hopeful thrust unwillingly to the fore. Another Latics season reliant upon British Summer Time, another five games to turn the DW surface into Blackpool Beach.
...Aw man, I wish I hadn't mentioned Blackpool now - brings back bittersweet memories of last season.
Anyhow, PWU hereby apologises for wasting exactly 200 podcasts of time in your life. That's 200 podcasts you could have spent on the toilet, making packed lunches or writing strongly worded letters to 'King' Garton J... but not at the same time.
0:00 Joyceless intros - sayonara, Shortsman II
1:00 Electrifying 'Bristols' review (30 seconds long)
7:00 Why didn't we get him out sooner?
13:00 What's Coyley up to these days...?
16:00 £179 season tickets = "a ripoff" & Fans Forum refunds
18:40 Changing subject: Aston Villa preview with Villa fan Jordan
24:00 Villa to 'throw the game'? & the shadow of Shortsman
28:30 Baz's Villa stat pack, form guide & bittersweet predictions
35:00 Si's Oddschecker & Pollitt to return?!
40:00 Potted history of Wigan Athletic 2004-2017
Thursday, 9 March 2017
When searching for M People's proverbial hero, you were looking at Omar Bogle, weren't you? Or maybe Gabriel Obertan, perhaps even Mickey Jacobs or Bilbo Grigg.
But Danny Burn? Nah, nobody expected him. The man everyone hated until the real scapegoats made themselves known. The man whose "feet can't keep up with his knees". The man with the Marty McFly haircut (above).
So for once, I'm going to say it without fear of my flavour text writing career being destroyed: I am a Dan Burn fan and proud of it. It is up to you, society, to deal with that.
0:00 Forfeit intros (with hat eating)
1:00 Blackburn review: 'the ref was alright'
4:00 'Pathetic', 'same old crap'
11:00 Birmingham review: effective game management
14:00 Obertan the New Yanic & hoping for a Joycey change of
21:00 Latics bottom of the home form table
26:00 PWU listener question of the week: which games have Wigan played well in?
33:00 Bristol City preview: no innuendos allowed
35:00 Predictions: pigeon to score & Barry's Oddschecker (40:00)
43:00 AOB: Female Fans' Forum, Beambacks & well timed trumps
The Ultimate Fartwatch: 9:5, 45:10
Thursday, 2 March 2017
The DW Stadium pigeon UFO conspiracy lives!
Before we continue, it should be noted that this week's edition of the Progress With Unity Podcast was supposed to be recorded LIVE at the Joyce Fans Forum. Unfortunately this event did not go ahead as aliens landed in the DW centre circle, kidnapping Sharpy and 75% of the Wigan Athletic backroom staff. Then, a repeat of the 2013 FA Cup Final magically appeared on the South Stand bar projection telly and everyone forgot all about the forum, aliens and indeed where they parked.
...Nah, not really! I *knew* my Mini Cooper was on Robin Park because I wrote its location on the palm of my hand.
Despite this cancellation, Book Cycle Studios thankfully kept Wednesday night free in case of UFO invasions. Thank goodness for that, eh?
0:00 Non-cancelled intros
1:30: Alleged football matches involving Latics and Forest AKA Pigeongate
5:00 'A disgrace', 'no balls'; fear will take us down
15:00 Statman left speechless by Joyce's forlorn record
18:30 Pitchwatch, Pigeonwatch and rugby kickoffs
23:00 Fans Forum postponement: the right decision?
29:00 Blackburn preview: choosing the right games to win
31:00 Premier League players with League One tactics?
34:00 Predictions: Grigg and Bogle have to play, wild chickens & Si's Oddschecker (37:00)
38:00 Birmingham preview: Drawfest 2017
Thursday, 23 February 2017
Hello; I am not your small time flavour text writer. He can not be with you this week as he is currently under investigation by the BPB (British Pie Board) for irregularities regarding pre-match pastries. He is said to have advocated Galloways over the obviously superior Hollands, a claim he outright refutes. But following his role in the Penguins in the fridge incident of 2016, such accusations must be investigated.
I have been told to 'write something silly' in his absence, but my nature forbids such foolishness. Hence, the following timecodes have been written by that friendly robotic chap Google Timecode once more.
Have a nice day, pie-munchers.
Copywrong Google Timecode 2017*
*Known to be 82% accurate
0:00 Comeback #ntros
1:50 Latics v Prest£n rev1ew: phantom penalties & phantom runs
8:00 Welcome to defensive stability & Cup Final capers ##}
11:00 (Sadly pieless) QPR v Latics review: arbitrary booking allocation
16:00 We got a penalty, woo yeaaah!
23:00 Stat showdown: King Joyce v Superman Caldwell
27:00 'Draws are no good' vs. 'don't lose under any circumstances' +++
33:00 Does Joyce trust his players?
38:40 Tree-mendous Latics v Forest preview & pred&ctions (42:00)
44:00 Si's Cup Final #5 OddschUcker
49:00 Fear %f failure?
52:00 Shameless All Gone Latics Fanzine plug
Thursday, 16 February 2017
Evenings suck. I have no idea why anyone would record a podcast after 7PM, let alone host a football match. It's dark, cold and everyone has gone home to watch repeats of Hammydale or Botheration Street.
PWU (or at least your flavour text writer) is wholly in favour of the Wigan Post's decision to drop 'evening' from its name. Not due to the above, but because this local publication now appears to be named after the South Stand goalpost Charles N'Zogbia struck as he netted the winner against Arsenal that time.
See, I told you it was a football paper all along!
0:00 Raucous Valentine's intros
2:00 Fulham review: "possession-based football is dead"
9:00 Coulda Woulda Shoulda Corner: What if Jacobs was Superman?
16:00 Wolves review: 85 minutes you'll never get back
18:00 A Bogle in progress & making Man United look average
23:00 The relegation run-in: "Everyone below 14th at risk"
27:00 Preston preview: Cup Final time again & profitable ball boying
29:00 Bogle standard (hehey) predictions and Si's Oddschecker (31:00)
36:00 Phantom scouts representing Latics in Europe
38:00 QPR preview: Rob's life of crime & quick predictions
45:00 Max & Paddy Perkins' Road to Nowhere
Thursday, 9 February 2017
Despite the fact some football might have been happening, I am going to hijack this PWU flavour text in the name of pastries once more. Ohh yessss, it's time to pander to those well-worn stale-otypes!
Wigan-Norwich pastry review 2017
Good: Free [brand name removed] pasties outside the East Stand. There were plenty remaining when your flavour text writer arrived at 7.30pm.
Bad: No pasties (or anything at all) left at half time in the concourse. Apparently the caterers were fired on the spot.
Solution: Re-open Sharpy's as a gourmet pasty restaurant. C'mon Dave, ya know it'll be worth it!
1:30 Sheff Wed review with approximate stats
6:00 Beaten by the Shin of God AKA Jake Fred Buxton
10:30 Return of the Snake: Latics-Norwich review
12:00 No red cards? An ode to sh*thousing
14:50 Norwich Off The Terrace with not Simon
19:00 Dan Burn: The Awesome Truth & Jakob Haugaard: The Awful Truth
29:50 PWU Reader Q&A: Will Latics stay up?
39:00 Fake News: Local Paper Bloopers #19837
40:00 Fulham preview with a quick shoutout for Dan from Fulham fansite Hammyend
44:00 Reverse psychology Fulham predictions
51:00 Wolves preview & speed dating predictions (52:00)
54:00 The DW pitch is ready to explode & obligatory pastry chat
Thursday, 2 February 2017
That's it, lads, show's over! Now that afternoon at the Theatre of Broken Dreams has been forgotten like those 1,001 astounding ideas we think up just before we fall asleep, you can also forget about Wigan Athletic for another four months.
...Or maybe not - you Sly Sporks Snooze guys will be back on Friday evening, won't you? Well, I hope you have your Wigan Pier and Wigan Casino stock footage ready. Oh, and don't forget Uncle Joe's, Heinz spaghetti shapes and meat and tater pies!
Never mind, just roll that tape labelled 'Transfer Window Nonsense', would you? Yeah, I know it's the same one we play twice every year but with the player names digitally altered. You do realise we're on a budget here?
*Lights up a cigarette
0:00 Exciting intros with the Ghost of Yanic
2:30 One million dollars (well, pounds): Man U v Latics review
7:00 "Does this performance stand us in good stead?"
9:20 PWU's Transfer Deadline Day punfest
11:00 Outgoings: The best for Flores, Gomez's marriage proposal, ALF Schwarzenegger
14:00 Exactly what you're here for - Yanic vs. The Fans
17:00 Incomings: golfing Obertan, grinning Mandron, Omar is a Wigan-ah
22:00 Can we go on signing an average of 12 players per window?
32:00 Back on the telly: Sheff Weds preview including Return of the Mac
36:00 Teletext predictions and Si's Oddschecker (38:00)
40:00 Norwich preview: a warning from the officials & more Yanic bashing
43:00 Sore Yanic-related predictions
Fartwatch: 29:40 (with ghost whisper)
Thursday, 26 January 2017
Mummy, take them away! Why do the wide eyed men with cameras follow everything vaguely associated with the words 'Manchester' and 'United'? And while we're at it, why did they ban bad language at farting Salford Media City?
Those loud-mouthed and bushy-eyebrowed Wigan Athletic podcast men can stay as long as they promise never to film their episodes, or indeed utter the words 'screwed' or 'blast'. They should use more gentlemanly language!
Are the cameras gone? Good, now my boss won't know I'm bunking off work to write this flavour text.
0:00 Gassy intros
1:00 Brentford review: the Sam Morsy Super Show & shocking stats
6:30 The substitute war: won by the Bees
9:00 "Caldwell has a lot to answer for" & duck assessment
15:00 Misplaced hype: Sawyers, Hogan, Connolly?
17:00 The End of Graham Barrow?! A transfer window update
21:00 Bogle update & dud signings
24:00 Man United 'Blaze of Non-Glory' FA Cup preview: won 1, lost 17
27:00 Si's FA Cup 'Final' Oddschecker & predictions
36:00 11 years since Highbury '06 & Flores on loan?
Fartwatch: 13:20, 30:00
Thursday, 19 January 2017
Two wins? Blinking heck, maybe Joycey is our king after all. Something incredible is definitely transpiring - Morsy the Sweatband Ranger and Callum 'The Mac' Connolly recently arrived in Lankisher with pixie dust on their toes and halos on their heads.
"But Mr Flavour Text Writer, Latics just faced the only two Championship teams in worse form at this point in the season."
Shurrup and write 'believe, and not just because that banner above the Grand Arcade told me to' on that blackboard precisely 88 times. Then iron my shorts.
0:00 Cheery intros
0:40 Matters Burtonian - Who the heck is Callum Connolly?
6:00 No public address announcement at 'Disco Burton' & #BogdansBigBrother update
10:00 'Joycey's (training) balls' & a short(s) interview review
16:00 Saucy Morsy the horsey... forcey? & A radio shoutout (literally)
20:00 "The Podcast ruined my dental work" & transfer gossip juice
22:00 Gary Caldwell is history & Zlatan Offsideovic
25:00 Brentford Beeview: Introducing Hulkington Jay Hogaaannn
29:00 Si's Oddschecker & roundtable predictions
36:00 Wigan Athletic returning to the Beeb & thanks for the cash, Bolton!
37:00 Fanzine plug, Hacker's 'owlers and Rob's wheely bin saga continued
Thursday, 12 January 2017
Thank Jesus Seba for that! Just when everything appears to be crumbling to a film of biscuit crumbs that get stuck at the back of your throat... from a decaying BT phonebox emerges an unexpected saviour: the FA Cup 4th Round draw!
Nah, I'm not talking about the forthcoming Man U v Wigan tie, but the actual process of drawing those little spheres from Paul Daniels' velvet bag. There's nothing like grown men fumbling with a bunch of pool balls to galvanise not only your social media following, but your whole season too.
Now that's (the) magic (of the FA Cup)!
0:00 The illusion of introductions
2:20 Forest review: worst side of the season?
5:40 'Leaf' it to Evergreen Warnock (hur)
10:00 Morsy the Morecambe to Gomez's Wise
15:00 Goalie gabber: Bogdan's Big Brother, & Powell out for season?
21:00 Transfer window ramble - Davies, Morsy, Bogle, Vardy's bandage
29:00 Interview with Nick Taylor, former Latics media boss - Rosler, Stam, Martinez
39:00 FA Cup (draw) golden balls & golden tickets
44:30 Delivering the Burton preview (no comment)
48:00 Mick's toothless prediction and Si's Oddschecker
53:00 More questions for Nick: your biggest mistake & Rob's bins!
Thursday, 5 January 2017
Hippy Nude Beer, Latisticians! I would copy-paste the resolutions we failed to fulfil in 2016, but the text file was deleted along with over 10 hours of slanderous content sliced from 44 editions of the PWU Podcast.
Wait a minute, what's this in a cupboard marked 'do not open ever'? Well what do you know, it's a box of cassettes labelled 'do not broadcast ever'!
Well, guys, look out for a new series entitled 'PWU: The Naughty Bits' coming in 2017. It'll be the last thing we ever make before the Powers That Be enforce their cease and desist orders with pointy sticks, but it shall certainly be a fitting epitaph.
Hey, it's good living dangerously, ain't it?
PS. Don't search for 'Hippy Nude Beer'... unless you want to, that is.
0:00 Statistical intro to 2017
2:00 A very non-festive Christmas super review
4:00 It'll be lonely this Christmas, up front on your own
10:00 'Football Manager' instead of 'Championship Manager' management
14:00 Warren Joyce = Kenny Senior
18:00 Should they tell us what's going on?
23:00 Welcome to the transfer window AKA 'sign 'em and sit 'em on the bench'
26:00 Shorts Day 2017: A show of solidarity
33:00 Nottingham Forest preview: show Paul the readies
37:00 Best (only) predictions of the year so far, including Mick Rant Alert! (43:00)
46:00 Plan for Jan: place your relegation bets
51:30 Gareth's Last Words: an endless end