Port Vale - DIAGNOSIS by Ricardo Twohalves
It was supposed to be a comfortable 3-1 victory for Wigan, with Devante
Cole opening the scoring. But the underage referee and Costelloe's flying boot
had other ideas...
The match began promisingly enough.
Sam Tickle was catching a chill while Gauci — who'd taken quite the
scenic route to The Brick via Australia, New Zealand, Barnsley, Aston Villa,
and a surprise detour through Port Vale — was working up a sweat.
Wave after wave of Wigan attacks crashed forward. Meanwhile, Christian
Saydee conducted a forensic examination of the turf, presumably checking the
groundsman's credentials.
He's morphing into Emile Heskey, who famously went from shite to
alright. All that hassling, bullying, holding up, and pushing on earned him Man
of the Match status. Job done.
Then came the inevitable.
Wigan's high line got caught napping. Cole threaded a beauty through,
and supercharged Fox engaged turbo thrusters in hot pursuit, executing a
"Boyceeee-esque" goal-saving tackle worth its weight in gold—three
points, to be exact.
Another Man of the Match performance.
But our O-level sixth-form referee wasn't finished with his creative
interpretations. Penalty box pinball commenced. Costelloe got involved,
attempting an opportunistic e-bike kick à la Zaki. A Port Vale player spotted
the boot, leaned in theatrically to feign a kick to the head — potential Grade
1 brain injury territory — and collapsed.
Having clearly trained at The Royal Shakespeare Company, he performed
his dying swan routine with Oscar-worthy conviction. Free kick? Fair enough.
Red card? Utterly baffling. Yellow would've sufficed. Perhaps our young
official is colour blind.
Off went Costello. Appeal pending. Once the card had been produced and Dara was on his way, John Curtis was up as if he was ready for another smooch with his partner.
Zilch wrong with him.
Half-time. Lowie's master plan for the first half was tweaked for the
second. Asamoah received one simple instruction: "Score early."
Who dares disobey the gaffer? He duly obliged.With a sublime poach off a defenders boot and then a shot that simply humiliated Gauci.
Then came the implementation of "The Bus at The Brick."
Mourinho would've approved.
Ten defenders held the fort for 35 minutes of thoroughly boring yet
inexplicably thrilling football. Saydee was expected to moonlight as both
central defender and striker, clearing balls from the box to himself before
charging forward like a man possessed.
By now, the referee suspected he'd botched the red card decision and
spent the second half playing for Wigan. Nobody but me spotted the handball by
a blue-and-white in the box — a stone-cold penalty inexplicably awarded as a
goal kick.
Excellence was restored until he penalised Saydee for jumping to head a
free ball. Apparently, Rule 12c states: "A lone player jumping for a
header shall be punished with a free kick to the opposition."
Fortunately, nothing came of it.
The second half showcased a master class in time-wasting. Forget
Brentford's theatrical tumbles — this was pure Wigan grit. When substituted,
Saydee collapsed on the centre spot, unable to muster the energy for the long
walk off. The 'Tics weren't helping. If Port Vale wanted him off, they'd have
to drag him.
Then the real drama: Tickle lay flat on his back, unable to move. The
junior St John's cadets rushed on. After prolonged examination, the diagnosis:
almost certain amputation necessary, but stable enough to continue. Every
subsequent save saw him smother the ball and sprawl dramatically.
Man of the Match for sheer heroics.
Sixteen minutes of injury time magically became seven. The ref had
tomorrow's school lunch to prepare and a Memorial Park fixture between Godiva's
Goldfish and Tom's Tomahawks in the SE Arboretum League to officiate. Dad was
waiting outside in the car for the underage linesman. Dad mustn't be kept
waiting and Lino mustn't be late to bed. Rules is Rules.
His final breath powered the full-time whistle. Handshakes were
exchanged —more insincere than usual — while ES2 erupted.
The lads had emptied the tank and needed golf buggies for extraction.
Every single one of them: Man of the Match!
by Richard LeMare
Grab a listen to the latest PWU Latics podcast with all the reaction to the Port Vale game
